We were neck and neck with Manchester City with 11 games remaining. 

We were staring at the latter stages of the Champions League against Paris Saint-Germain and the FA Cup against Tottenham Hotspur.

I’m going to tell you a story on how Giuseppe Meazza deflated Arsene Wenger’s Arsenal legacy and tore his prospective statue from the grounds of the Emirates Stadium.

Jose Mourinho was incorrect: Arsene Wenger is not a specialist in failure, it was just his last decade in charge of the North London where he failed spectacularly. The next two months under my management highlighted this more than ever.

Perhaps it wasn’t the best note to kick off this update, a loss at the fucking Hawthorns of all places. Now that’s a team that are specialists in failure. Still, we revived ourselves and my ongoing tarnishing of Wenger’s legacy with a pumping of Leicester City and overturning Manchester City’s one-point lead at the top of the league. Gareth Bale stealing two goals in those games. 

It turned out we were doing a tour of lesser London clubs when April came around. They’re savvy and both West Ham and Crystal Palace occupied Gareth Bale well. It was just the other four forwards they failed to contain – Hirving Lozano netting five in two games as a result. This fed us into France, into PSG. We parked the Italian lorries in France, scraped out of there with an away goal and a draw, Middlesbrough were an afterthought in between, before we steamrolled the Parisians in the return leg.

I say steamrolled. We bastarded them into a 0-0 draw and picked up the away goals victory. It was a different type of bastard. The possession bastard.

WEST BROM 1:0 ARSENAL Premier League

ARSENAL 3:0 LEICESTER CITY (Draxler 17, Bale 38, Cazorla 82) Premier League

ARSENAL 2:1 MANCHESTER CITY (Sule 3, Bale 71) Premier League

ARSENAL 4:1 WEST HAM UNITED (Lozano 3, 42, 45, Bale 76) Premier League

CRYSTAL PALACE 0:3 ARSENAL (Lozano 8, 51, Tah 59) Premier League

PARIS SAINT-GERMAIN 1:1 ARSENAL (Tolisso 35) UEFA Champions League Quarter Final, first leg

MIDDLESBROUGH 1:1 ARSENAL (Lozano 17) Premier League

ARSENAL 0:0 PARIS SAINT-GERMAIN UEFA Champions League Quarter Final, second leg


All a part of the masterplan. We manufactured a beautiful penalty victory that was only slighted in its plan for a 1-0 Wembley win by a dodgy refereeing decision after 3 minutes. By this point we were a full 6 points clear with 5 games to play so sacrificed the game at White Hart Lane: a point and move on. A type of bastard I had come to appreciate was next: Atletico Madrid. A mutual desire of one another, ending in a minute slip-up that cost us the first leg. We’d have the second leg though (sandwiched in between a loss to Manchester United).

Bale gave us the lead early on a CLASSIC CHAMPIONS LEAGUE NIGHT AT THE EMIRATES before (not one of my signings i might add) Shkodran Mustafi gave away a penalty to give Atletico an away goal. We need 2 goals now. He was booked for that penalty foul in the 15th minute, by the 20th minute he was sent off. It was almost a direct result of Atleti’s second (and Gameiro’s second). We needed 3 goals in 70 minutes against a defensively staunch Atletico side. Our side, with just one defender ensured Kevin Gameiro would complete his hat-trick before the half-time break. Four goals needed.

Step up this man: Kylian M-fucking-Bappe. He caressed the ball delicately for our second and conversely powerfucked our third goal in. Unfortunately, a lapse at the back and a FOURTH Kevin Gameiro goal with 20 minutes to go looked to have killed our hopes. 3 goals in 20 minutes needed. Step up this man: Kylian M-fucking-Bappe and three more goals inside 9 minutes. We were 6-4 up on the night, 6-5 up on aggregate. He even had time to miss an open net and add a sixth. 7-4. Arsenal in their second ever Champions League final.

TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR 1:1 ARSENAL (4-5 on penalties) (Mbappe 17) FA Cup Semi Final

TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR 2:2 ARSENAL (Tah 17 Mbappe 85) Premier League

ATLETICO MADRID 1:0 ARSENAL UEFA Champions League Semi-Final, first leg


ARSENAL 7:4 ATLETICO MADRID (Bale 11, Mbappe 60, 66, 74, 77, 83, 90) UEFA Champions League Semi-Final, second leg


Premier League

One week and three victories stood in our way of a first Arsenal title since 2004. Stoke, Sunderland & Everton. Piece of piss? Piece of difficult piss. Chelsea left the race on the penultimate matchday, being held at the Hawthorns (AMATEURS), and despite our loss at the Britannia, United’s draw at White Hart Lane meant that the status quo remained at the top of the Premier League table.

STOKE CITY 2:1 ARSENAL Spurs 1-1 Man Utd | Man Utd [played 37, 74 points] // Arsenal [played 36, 71 points]

Gareth Bale, the genius that he is, netted twice in a 4-1 pummeling of Sunderland in mid-week. This left us and United left deadlocked on 74 points but our +12 better goal difference effectively left us needing to match Man United’s result. They hosted Crystal Palace, we hosted Everton.

ARSENAL 4:1 SUNDERLANDArsenal [+46 goal difference, 74 points] // Man Utd [+34 goal difference, 74 points]

It was very fitting that our two best players for the season [Gareth Bale and Kylian Mbappe] destroyed Everton on the final day of the season. In the end, it wouldn’t matter as Jason Puncheon’s equaliser at Old Trafford rendered us champions by the matter of two points.

ARSENAL  3: 0  EVERTON (Bale 29, 53, Mbappe 75)

MAN UTD 1:1 CRYSTAL PALACE (Smalling 14 // Puncheon 71)



manchester city (4-3-3)


semedo – otamendi – kompany – kolarov

fernandinho – fernando – de bruyne

sane – aguero – jesus





arsenal (2-3-5)


mustafi – tah

tolisso – goretzka – tielemans

lozano – alli – mbappe – draxler – bale



bayern munich  (4-2-3-1)


rafinha – hummels – boateng – alaba

kimmich – vidal

robben – thiago – costa






arsenal (2-3-5)


tah – mertesacker

tolisso – goretzka – tielemans

lozano – alli – mbappe – draxler – bale


give mbappe a statue.

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