DAVID ICKE IN FOOTBALL MANAGER!

David Icke believes. But before he believed he played football almost professionally. Icke, now a serial lizard, signed for professional club Coventry City at the age of fifteen in 1967 but never made it out of the youth squad. Icke then played part-time for non-league Hereford United until arthritis ended his career prematurely at the age of twenty-one. Icke was a goalkeeper, now he does anything but keep the secrets of the lizard overlords that rule us.

After mine and AJ’s conversation on Episode #31 about his David Icke biopic, the only sensible thing to do was to create a ‘WHAT IF?’ scenario on Football Manager.

Designing Icke was easy work, we started him off at his boyhood club of Coventry with reasonable current and potential abilities. A high injury proneness and a low natural fitness fit his shortlived career so we entered them as well as high controversy, low consistency and maximum communication and eccentricity. Then we let him loose.

Fresh faced David Icke kept goal thirteen times in Coventry’s promotion campaign out of League Two as a 17/18 year old and even got four England U-19 caps in European Championship qualifiers against Russia, Bulgaria, Kosovo and Austria, not conceding a single goal. This led to Icke’s first call up for England U20s friendly against Jamaica, another clean sheet.

Enter the U19 European Championships, David Icke is England’s #1 for the tournament and plays in every group stage win and semi-final win but is dropped in favour of Brentford’s Ellery Balcombe for the final. Prime Lizard. Balcombe keeps a clean sheet in a 2-0 final win over Italy. Icke wasn’t cut from the same Babylonian Brotherhood cloth as Balcombe but he would have his day.

Coventry were promoted automatically but faced a tougher second season, surviving by four points in League One in 20th position. Icke played 38 league matches coupled with four runouts in the FA Cup and four in other cup competitions. By the summer of 2019 he was wanted by a host of Premier League clubs including Liverpool and Tottenham Hotspur. Icke opened England’s U20 World Cup campaign, carrying a knock in a 2-1 win over Australia. That reptilian Balcombe would play the remaining games as England romped to an U20 World Cup final win over France. Rhian Brewster and Ryan Sessegnon netted the goals – potential archons.

None of the Premier League clubs came a knocking in 2019 so Icke continued to plough on at the Ricoh Arena. Coventry improved by two positions and one point. Icke made 33 appearances. His contract was coming up in 2021, though. Icke kept goal for the first two of England U19’s European Championship wins over Denmark and Albania. He was injured under the French moonlight (of course the Moon is just a hologram so what we perceive to be moonlight is just a broadcast from the archonic lizard race that lives and breathes within us) against Albania but returned for the semi-final win over Germany. He picked up a second U19 Euros winners’ medal but again was left on the bench. By 2020 he was currently number four in the U21 pecking order.

And by 2020 he was on the move – and to the Premier League. As for Coventry City, a tiger never loses sleep over the thoughts of sheep. Immediately after Icke’s £4.3m transfer to Bournemouth, he was out on a two-year loan to Championship side, Middlesbrough. Two top-half finishes and fifty appearances. Icke was closer to the archon echelons – 2nd in line for the England U21 #1 jersey. He sat by as that bloody reptile Balcombe claimed the #1 jersey as England won the U21 European Championships. Icke had completed the international youth treble. He would earn five U21 caps, all in 2021.

From 2022 on Icke’s first full season as a Bournemouth goalkeeper until his departure in 2027, he was playing second fiddle to Jordan Pickford on the south coast – a man who’s just another part of the system. Pickford and in fact, manager Eddie Howe obviously hadn’t discovered that the speed of light is just the walls of our simulation.

Icke travelled faster than that. Icke played 37 games, largely in the cup competitions and in Bournemouth’s season in the Europa League in 2026/27. Bournemouth flitted between 12th and 6th in Icke’s time at the club without a piece of silverware to their name. In January 2028, he dropped a division to play for Norwich City for a small fee of £300,000. They consolidated 17th place in the Championship for a fourth successive season. Icke would play for the Canaries 21 times until he moved on in the January 2030 transfer window.

By the time of the transfer, Norwich had been promoted to the Premier League. £86,000 to Reading. £86,000. When the likes of Liverpool, Tottenham and Arsenal were interested in signing Icke just seven years ago. Norwich lost 17 successive league games and were relegated, joining Reading in the Championship. Icke would play 40 games for Reading before leaving on a free in 2032 for Portsmouth, playing 26 times up until his retirement in 2034.

A nothing career which had such a promising start.

End of Career Statistics:

IRL: 37 club appearances

FM: 262 club appearances, 5 England U21 caps, 2 England U20 caps, 15 England U19 caps

End of Career Honours:

IRL: none

FM: U19 European Championship (2018, 2019), U20 FIFA World Cup (2019), U21 European Championship (2021), Championship Play-Off (2029)

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