MAN UTD 3 | Mata 26’ 62’ 80’
ARSENAL 2 | Mbappe 8’, Sanchez 72’
Kylian Mbappe schooling Chris Smalling in the art of defending in front of 75’000 at Old Trafford. It’s just something to admire from a 17-year old against an apparently experienced full international defender.
Chris Smalling: a man who runs like a duck on ice with a torn ACL.
Phil Jones, as well. The mighty Smalling & Jones, sounding like a dodgy accounting based out of Warrington.
All the battles on the pitch: Alli v Pogba, Tah v Ibrahimovic, Tielemans v Carrick, Sanchez v Mkhitaryan. All won. Just Juan Mata that slipped through the net.
ARSENAL 3 | Sanchez 16’ 62’, Lozano 51’
BORUSSIA MONCHENGLADBACH 0
UEFA CHAMPIONS LEAGUE
A win was needed to qualify us into the knockout phase of the Champions League. Which is why I played Alex Iwobi. Stop laughing: he assisted two more Champions League goals than you’ll ever do.
Not a bad result for a starting 11 with both Wilshere and Iwobi in it. A win at home to Juventus would win us the group – don’t know how we’ve managed that.
GROUP D | after 5 matches
BORUSSIA MONCHENGLADBACH 
ARSENAL 2 | Lozano 40’ 72’
Can I just tell you something? I like Eddie Howe. Well I did. 44 minutes in, I stitch a headbutt onto his pretty little 7-year old forehead for moaning about Jonathan Tah’s two footed tackle on Charlie Daniels. A yellow card was a fair decision, now move on Eddie. And, oh yeah, Hirving’s doing the business up top.
ARSENAL 0 | (Tielemans sent off)
MAN CITY 1 | Aguero 72’
LEAGUE CUP QUARTER FINAL
So the Football Association had the cheek to ban me for 5 matches for that little Glasgow kiss on Eddie Howe. The first two matches I was banned from the fucking stadium so I just watched this particular game from the local Travel Tavern (Tottenham branch).
And yeah, you might say my violent attitude has rubbed off on the players. Well over a dozen red cards and two games with three or more sendings off isn’t good. But you know what is good?
WEST HAM 0
ARSENAL 3 | Koscielny 10’, Sanchez 58’, Cazorla 76’
Being top of the league! Top of the league! Top of the league! Top of the league! (only for 4 hours but that doesn’t matter)
All three players that scored weren’t my signings but who cares. El Vino did flow in the Travel Tavern.
ARSENAL 1 | Lozano 67’
JUVENTUS 1 | Dybala 30’
UEFA CHAMPIONS LEAGUE
I’m back, you cunts. So was Hirving Lozano! Yes, we finished below Juventus but kept up our sublime unbeaten run (if you don’t count the dastardly League Cup)
ARSENAL 2-0 STOKE [Mbappe 27’ 53’]
EVERTON 1-0 ARSENAL [Mirallas 64’ pen]
MAN CITY 2-1 ARSENAL [Aguero 15’ 58’ / Sanchez 56’]
So, as you know, had the obligation to sit out the next matches, and I dare say this has given the players a good kick up the arse. Aside from being robbed against Everton thanks to diving scum Kevin Mirallas, we’ve been punching above expectations: we are in the top four after all! Mbappe ran things at Stoke and we were done by a crafty Pep Guardiola team that took an early kick off as we celebrated an equaliser off the pitch with our fans that resulted in Aguero’s winner.
I punched a kid at full-time.