ARSENAL 7 | Mbappe 57’ 62’ 67’ 79’ 81’ 90’ 90’+6
MIDDLESBROUGH 2 | Barragan 40’, Leadbitter 43’
Back to normal tactics today. “It’s Middlesbrough, lads.” I told them. So what if they were just a point behind us at kick-off, we should be doing these.
Alan Smith gave us the kiss of death pre-match: “they won’t have any problems.” The cunt said that about the Swansea game last week and look what happened there. Leon Britton fucking happened.
My half-time teamtalk had the lads from ArsenalFanTV ringing in my ears.
Troopz: “He’s a tactical farmer, fam, fam, bro, fam.”
Ty: “It’s raining. Doesn’t suit us when it’s raining.”
Claude: “Meazza needs to go. Enough is enough. Conceded two against Middlesbrough. Middle-s-borough! Facks’ sake!”
DT: “Mbappe’s isolated, the rest of them can’t wait to leave the pitch – that’s why they get sent off all the time.”
That fat potato cunt: “We’re shit, lads. We’re proper shit.”
They know as much about football as Stevie Wonder does kaleidoscopes.
ARSENAL 2 | Wilshere 45’, Giroud 63’
LEAGUE CUP ROUND FOUR
League Cup? Time to bastard with the ‘B’ team.
Lucas Perez and Alex Iwobi are the marauding wing backs in the rare occasions that we will attack. Per Mertesacker and Nacho Monreal act as screening defensive midfielders with Hector Bellerin being the fourth player in the counter attack. Olivier Giroud doesn’t have the pace as Kylian Mbappe so Iwobi and Perez will take up attacking positions largely down the wings instead of the cutting in that Lozano & Sanchez took up v Juventus.
Possession-based parking the bus, sting them on the counter. Quarter-finalists.
SUNDERLAND 2 | Defoe 14’, Larsson 90’
ARSENAL 3 | Denayer 6’ og, Mbappe 51’ pen, 90’+4
Back to the first team despite Champions League football in midweek: I’d seriously forgotten Sunderland was a footballing town, given their sharp fall over the past 48 months in real life.
Jason Denayer must have felt sorry for us as he inexplicably fucks the ball into his own net 6 minutes in and then 45 minutes later brought down Dele Alli for the winning penalty.
Good enough for me.
Oh, Sunderland’s equaliser? Didn’t see it. Shouldn’t have stood. Some other shite talk that my predecessor would tell you. That’s why we’re in the position we’re in.
We won? Ah shit, I genuinely didn’t see that. Went back to the changing room at 2-2.
ARSENAL 1 | Sanchez 44’ (Xhaka, Koscielny, Alli & Lucas Perez sent off)
UEFA CHAMPIONS LEAGUE
To bastard or not to bastard, that was the question.
Fortunately, I had nothing to lose because – let’s be honest here – Arsenal didn’t have a right to be in Europe. They haven’t for a while. Given that, I made the cardinal sin of playing Alex Iwobi.
Maybe I was being punished for these sins. Why else do you think Laurent Koscielny behaved like a shit-gibbon and got sent off inside 18 minutes? Why else do you think Dele Alli, with a simple header from 3 yards out, went for an extravagant overhead kick? Why else do you think Donnarumma, with all 10 of my remaining players up for a corner, had to commit 3 successive sliding tackles on the halfway line?
Someone told me Alan Smith said the game was “a bit niggly” on commentary – we had four fucking players sent off. “niggly” fuck off Smith.
Thank god for Alexis Sanchez.
ARSENAL 3 | Alli 4’ 15’, Tielemans 55’, (Walcott sent off)
TOTTENHAM 1 | Dembele 90’
It’s Tottenham, lads.
It’s the North London Derby.
It’s being able to celebrate St. Totteringham’s Day one week earlier with a win.
It’s Vieira celebrating with the Lucozade bottle in 2004.
It’s Walcott taking the piss on a stretcher.
It’s Tommy V strangling Michael Dawson.
It’s Thierry Henry blitzing the entire Spurs team at Highbury in 2002.
It’s Dele Alli.
It’s Sol Campbell.
It’s Dele Alli heading two goals in the red of Arsenal.
It’s Lucas Perez (whoever he is, like) time wasting in the corner flag on 11 min.
It’s Dele Alli taking a leaf out of Emmanuel Adebayor’s book.
It’s Youri Tielemans scoring on his North London derby debut.
It’s Harry Kane crying white and blue cockerel tears at full-time.
It’s winning with ten men.
PREMIER LEAGUE | after 11 matches
MAN CITY 
UEFA CHAMPIONS LEAGUE | after 4 matches
BORUSSIA MONCHENGLADBACH